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current mood:
Last Will
November 30, 2003 - 11:50 PM
I have a terrible fear of death while my room is unclean. If I die tomorrow, my parents will be left to go through my belongings. I shudder at the thought. How could I explain any of this stuff? I want them to take the DVDs, CDs, and clothing. Seal the rest off forever. If I'm dead, my sister can watch my Sex and the City DVDs while wearing my new sweater and cradling my signed copy of Pinkerton. That's a nice thought. The even younger sister, who is too young for Sex and the City and never much liked Weezer, can have my band t-shirts, my copy of the film Legally Blonde, and my Chicago soundtrack. There we go. All settled. Block everything else off, and leave it alone. Don't read my stuff or look in my drawers. Don't solve any mysteries of my life. Take the CDs and leave.
They wouldn't though. They'd organize and destroy. No one would want my Will & Grace DVD set or my books on writing or all my old Entertainment Weeklys. Oh, the agony of being dead! (Or so I imagine.) I just can't die in the next two months, which is about how long it will take me to clean this messy room.
It is Claire's birthday; I have failed her. I didn't go out with her or buy her a card or anything. My mom asked me, "Did she do anything on your birthday? Brigid, she wouldn't let you slow her down. Don't let her slow you." I have mountains of homework, you see. So when Tess called to make the plans, I declined. I felt bad, but at the same time, I have become restless with my role as the caring sucker. No one ever shows me the same consideration on my damn birthday.
Anyway, Thanksgiving was good and bad. I'll get to it later. Tomorrow maybe.
Sometimes I think maybe I judge Buffy too harshly, and I wonder where all the evidence is of her terrible flaws. I mean, she's just a girl. Then I look back through old e-mails and find a survey she filled out last week. I feel a little bit better about my assessment:
39. WHAT ARE YOUR LIFETIME GOALS? Be a mom
40. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? I have to run on the treadmill
No wonder that girl can't find a coherent career path. It makes me sad when people don't have career ambition. Then again, it also makes me sad when they have unrealistic goals, so I guess I'm just doomed to be a little sad.
Life - July 12, 2004 Plan Backfires - May 06, 2004 The Past Returns - March 11, 2004 More Trickery and Disappointment - February 04, 2004 Wednesday morning - January 21, 2004