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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Broken Trust

July 21, 2002 - 10:18 PM

    Today has been okay. I was so excited for the new episode of Sex and the City. I love that show.

    I've been reminded of the fact that I'm romantically challenged. The truth is that I don't know what I want. I only seem to know what I don't want. I'm not very interested in guys my age because they're (typically) immature. On the other hand, I am only interested in older men in theory. As far as maturity goes, they win by default, but I don't want to date them either.

    This older guy has been hitting on me for the past few days, inviting me to take a ride on his motorcycle. Yesterday he told me I looked good and asked my age. Today I asked him his: thirty. The computer says he was born in 1963. I may be bad at math, but even I know that he's not thirty. Plus he's married. "My wife doesn't mind if I give girls rides," he insisted. Yeah right. He seemed to sense my alarm at his age, and he asked me if he was too old. For some reason, I couldn't just say, "You're too old." It seemed too cruel. I dismissed him with a "We'll see" that a mother gives a child when she doesn't want to flat out say no. He called me ten minutes later, apologizing profusely. "It's okay," I told him. "I wasn't offended."

    The whole thing was just an irritating reminder that my love life is horrible. Why can't a nice, decent, unmarried guy find me desireable? Someone under the age of twenty-five. Why can't it ever work out for me? At least I can rest easy with the knowledge that I'm not desperate enough to jump into a bad relationship. My loser radar is strong.

    Anyway, Tess and I had fun last night. We decided to ditch our routine by taking a train into Chicago. We shopped up and down Michigan Avenue and walked over to Lake Michigan for a bit. It was nice to do something different for a change. One of the best things about Tess is that I trust her implicitly. She tells me the truth as she knows it to be true. I'm finding that I trust certain people less and less. Oddly enough, it's not a huge issue with me. Some people are fervent believers in trust, but I'm more realistic. I know that people lie. Everyone lies all the time. It's refreshing to find someone like Tess, although I supposed I haven't really found her; we met when we were five.

    In particular, Sonia has caught my attention as less than honest. I remember sitting in a restaurant with her back in May. "I would rather die than cheat on Psycho," she told Ophelia and me. I thought she was nuts. Then she very seriously told us how important trust is to her. I think she believed what she was saying. Now all signs point to her cheating on Psycho with Josh before the breakup. What happened to her oath? It was a ridiculous thing to say in the first place, but she had such conviction! What happened? By the way, Josh has since been kicked out of his home and is now living with Sonia's family. They have welcomed him with open arms because he isn't Psycho. I don't trust him at all, but I'm remaining silent on the subject. "He's such a sweetie," she told me yesterday. I was silent. "He's very sweet," Sonia would then say. More silence. I think she got the point anyway.

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