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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Are you a good dork or a bad dork?

April 5th, 2001 - 10:50 PM

    I just got off the phone with Claire. I talked with her for a long time and updated her on the goings on of our friends. She put her friend "Dan" on the phone a couple of times. I'm not sure why, but Dan makes me a little nervous. I think it's because I'm not part of the pot smoking, drink all night culture. Claire, who I have known since we were both 5, has somehow found this culture and made it her own. Sometimes I'm sad to think of her this way, but people have to make their own decisions. Nobody wants to be told how to live their lives. On the other hand, friends are supposed to care about each other. I don't know. Since Claire dropped out of school, I see less and less of her. I think I've got a slight "out of sight, out of mind" conscience.

    I watched Steal This Movie earlier. It was actually better than I expected. Janeane Garofalo was so beautiful and wonderful in it. She is so under-rated. Watching it took my mind out of the darkness that it keeps running towards. You know how people who have near death experiences feel themselves going towards the light? I bet I'd turn right around and start heading back towards the darkness where I'm comfortable.

    I feel irritable, snippy, and bitchy. Friends at school are noticing, but not getting the whole effect. In their minds, I am someone who is having a "bad day". They never grasp that I often have a "bad week" or a "bad month". For them, every day starts the world anew. I don't know. I guess I should try to tolerate people more. I'm annoyed at them for being such nerds most of the time. It's not their fault that they're nerds. By the way, I feel like a dork most of the time. I think it's actually better to be different and individual. There's good funny dorkiness and there's sad annoying dorkiness. Guess which one some of my friends are?

    Like, take Ani. In my estimation, Ani only knows how to talk about five things: her family, her pet lizard, the book she is reading, her orchestra, and the military. She is obsessed with her older brother. She mentions him all the time. He's in the military or navy or something of that nature. She also talks about her older sister, who she is obviously jealous of, and her sister's baby boy. God. She brings in a picture of that kid every week as if I really care. (See? That's me being intolerant. I have to work on that.) She also informs me regularly of what her lizard has been doing lately. I'm serious. Now, the baby is somewhat understandable, but a LIZARD? A stupid reptile? Don't even get me started on all the science fiction she reads that she feels the need to explain to me in great depth.

    I do feel a little bad that I've been ignoring Ophelia lately. She used to be my best friend. Now I can't seem to speak openly to her at all. Part of the trouble is the prom. Ani is organizing a big group of girls to go stag. Some have dates, but most do not. Ophelia is one of the dateless girls. I want to go to the prom, but I'd like to have a date. I'd also like to *not* go with Ani or most of the annoying girls in the group. Lisa has already said that she will not go without a date and I've pretty much said the same. Everyone has been very defensive. They accuse us of thinking that they are losers. "I don't think you're a loser," I've said two billion times this week, "I'd just prefer to have a date." Truthfully I wouldn't mind going stag if there was anyone worth hanging out with, but there simply isn't. I hate high school.

    I hope college is a bit less trivial. Then again there are frats and sorrorities and other ridiculous cliquey things. What is with humanity's obsession to form a group? Maybe it's some herd or tribal mentality that we can't seem to shake.

    Speaking of trivality, I'm having issues with Lisa. I really feel like she stole my individuality. I can not think of a single thing that I do that Lisa does not. I used to have drama- she took it. She plays guitar. Did I run out and buy a guitar so that I could be just like her? No. So why can't I have my own things? Maybe she doesn't know she's doing this, but I also know that she's very intelligent and crafty. You really can't underestimate Lisa. This has caused me to be perhaps oversuspicious. Like, she always wanted to go to college in New York or California. Suddenly she's fine with staying in the midwest. She says that doing the musical gave her so much confidence that she doesn't mind anymore. I'd like to believe her, but my brain keeps telling me that she probably didn't get accepted to NYU and is covering for herself. I feel like she's not being honest with me, but I'm not hurt or angry. I just see it as factual, even though it's more speculative than anything else.

    One last thing that's been bugging me: Kevin. I saw him in the parking lot today with some girls. Whenever this happens, I feel this little piece of jealousy/dislike creeping up inside me. We never dated. We were simply in a play together. I keep telling myself this, but I still feel like I have an ex-girlfriend complex. We used to be friends, but we suddenly stopped a few months back. I can't decide if he ended it or I did. That's the funny thing. I never have the power in a relationship, so I'm unable to recognize it. I can't decide if I should be the one to make a move towards reconciliation or if he's the one who has that choice. I think I leave things up to other people too often, but I have some social anxiety.

    That's it. I'm done. Actually I could rant and rave about random things for a long time. You don't want that. I'll end this entry with the quote of the day:

    ME: I'm going to England next week.

    SISTER'S FRIEND: Wow! Do you have to know French to go there?

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