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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Misery loves company.

March 31st, 2001 - 3:21 AM

    I might lock this diary. I never wanted to do that, but it is no longer an anonymous/private diary. As bizarre as this sounds, I believe this is adding to my depression this morning. I'm thoroughly depressed. So far I've punched my fist into a wall and spent about twenty minutes outside in the freezing cold sobbing and talking to myself. It's a bright new day!

    When I say that this diary is no longer private, I mean that my dad told me that he has found it and reads it. He's not angry about anything I said. I just realized that I'm a bit hurt that he would read it. I never put a sign on here that says "Don't read if you know me!" or anything, but it seems to be a given. I write this to vent thoughts and events to an anonymous audience out in cyber space. This is not for the reading pleasure of my parents.

    What's strange is that I can't express this to him. He seems so hurt that I wouldn't be able to tell him everything. Of course, I like to have my own degree of privacy. I don't want my life to be an open book. I guess one might ask why the hell I keep a journal if I don't want anyone to read it. Good question. I must consider this.

    I can't say that this latest onset of depression is entirely because of this breach of trust. It's also because the musical opened tonight. I kept feeling happy and then sad. I could kill Lisa sometimes. All day she kept reminding me of how small my part is until I finally had to remind her that there are no small parts- just small actors. I would sometimes like to tell her to go to Hell. The problem with this is that she's my best friend. My other best friends are no longer in the picture. Claire is working all the time. Ophelia is absolutely dead to me. There's just Lisa. And Tess, but Tess has never really been my BEST friend.

    This causes me to depend on Lisa a bit, although only in my head. It's not like I let her *know* all of this. I don't know. I just want out of high school. First I have to suffer through the trip to England, which I never wanted to go on in the first place! I'm too depressed to go. I have the sickening feeling that I'll have some sort of breakdown like the one I had tonight. Waking up early every day and never resting? I'll die. I'll just die. God. I don't want to go. It's going to take such an effort to walk around for a week while looking at buildings and fountains and things. Boring. Stupid. A giant waste of my parent's money. I feel sick just thinking about it.

    My dad was telling me how great my life is. Let's see. I have no love life. My friends suck. I don't get along with most of my family and I hate living in my house. I'm depressed out of my mind. I'm miserable. I hate this. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate myself. Hate my life.

    I'm sorry that I'm going on like this. I shouldn't be typing this out when I'm in this state. I just don't know what to do.

    By the way, I guess the musical itself went pretty well. One down, two performances to go. Charlie came and saw it. :) That made me happy for a moment. I went to Baker's Square with everyone. I think I'm well liked. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

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