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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Alleged Confidence

June 01, 2002 - 12:05 AM

    I'm a bit perplexed about my identity. It's not a question of not knowing my own name or believing that I'm other people or anything. As far as I know, I'm still just Brigid. I'm confused as to what kind of person I am and what characteristics I have. This sounds kind of bizarre, but I'm not finding a strong pattern. If I had to describe myself, I'd be hard pressed to find anything definite to say.

    I was working at the video store earlier when the manager started telling me how I can open the store a week earlier than scheduled. "A lot of trainees don't have confidence," he told me. "You have confidence. You know what you're doing." I was surprised. I would never describe myself as confident, although perhaps I have slowly been accumulating confidence all along. I asked Ophelia if I come across as confident or not, and she said that I do. As I take a look at current affairs, I begin to wonder if she's right.

    I'm frustrated with my lack of definition and my multitude of contradictions. This is nothing new. I've gone through cycles of "trying to find myself." I'm tired of it, but I think I'm starting to get something right. I really do think I'm getting happier. What's really funny is that my psychiatrist isn't around to hear the news. She'd been cheating the hospital out of money for months so she had to resign. I'm shrinkless, and I'm feeling pretty damn good.

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