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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

In Need Of Good Karma

November 30th, 2000 - 3:58 PM

    I hate when I get behind on these entries because there are certain things that I want to share, but I have to keep these entries from becoming novels.

    Thanksgiving: Hmm. What can I say? I wish I had thought ahead and bought some tofurkey so that I could be all cool and vegitareanish. It doesn't really matter because I'm still not a vegitarean. I haven't had beef in months though. No pork or ham or anything either. Anyway, on Thanksgiving my family told me lots of nice things about my performance in the play, which at this point seems like old news. Even today (tomorrow will be the two week anniversary of Opening Night) someone told me how much they loved that play. Also, this Thanksgiving marked the first time I'd worn pink in years. I bought a turtleneck sweater at Old Navy the night before.

    On Friday, I had a really nice talk with Claire. Ophelia, Ophelia's irritating friend, Claire, and I went to see the movie Bounce. (Ben Affleck!) After the movie, I drove Claire to her house. I started *really* talking to her about my concerns for her. I'm just afraid that between smoking weed and ditching school that she's headed down a very bad path. I basically told her that I know she can do so much better and that I know how smart she is. The only reason I felt responsible to tell her all this is because I know her parents don't know enough to do so. Plus I'm probably the friend that really cares about her the most. I was feeling guilty that I was allowing her to be so self-destructive and not saying anything. She seemed really appreciative that I talked to her. I don't know if the talk helped anything at all, but I tried.

    This entire week of school my mind has been on one thing: Kairos. It's a retreat I will take in about two weeks. I figure that I had better start writing my memoirs now. I may not be the same person when I return. You see, I'm very suspicious of the whole freaky cultish ordeal. No one is supposed to reveal what goes on there. All my friends have already done it and no one will tell me a thing. Not even Leigh. Leigh doesn't care about much of anything, but somehow she wants to keep the sacred Kairos code of silence? Highly suspicious! It makes no sense. Worst of all, my suspicion and resentment has caused an invisible barrier between myself and Ophelia. She's going to be a "leader" on the retreat. The leaders are supposed to be a secret, but Leigh accidentally slipped to me weeks ago that Ophelia is a leader. (Leigh denied this for a while, finally just saying, "Don't tell her! She'll kill me!") Two days ago Claire said that Ophelia felt bad for not being able to tell me. Yesterday Claire said that Ophelia was upset at how much I was protesting the retreat. ::sighs:: I can't help it. I can't. I'm not a retreat enthusiast. Some of us just aren't. Plus I don't want them to suck out my soul and make me go around saying, "I can't tell you what will happen. You must experience it for yourself. Blah. Blah. Blah." I decided that I'd just be very careful and shut up about Kairos so that Ophelia could sleep at night.

    But I didn't do that. I know. I know. I'm a bad person. What DID I do? Well, first of all I gave Ophelia a somewhat cold shoulder. When second period ended, I walked out without waiting for her to follow. I relented a bit by holding a door for her and waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. It was a silent gesture because neither of us said anything as we walked to our next classes. Oops. Then later, I kinda broke that promise to myself about shutting up about Kairos. You see, I found my own Deep Throat. Deep Throat told me some secrets about Kairos that I hadn't known. I didn't tell anyone about this. I figured that it would only upset people. I don't know why the hell they care so much, which leads me back to my brainwashing theory, but whatever.

    Today was also Claire's birthday. We decorated her locker and I bought her a present. It was a black Eminem t-shirt and a little Eminem notebook. I bought them at Hot Topic, where I talked to the sales dude with this strange piercing between his nose and eyebrows. He told me that he's seen Incubus in concert twice and that he was going to see Marilyn Manson this weekend. I asked if we was going to Twisted Seven (a concert which features Incubus as one of the bands) and he said no because they only played a quarter of a set. I guess I don't mind that he's right because I like Incubus, but I'm hardly their greatest fan. That concert will be December 9th, which is the week before I get my brain treated for togetherness at Kairos.

    To wrap all of this up, tomorrow is Friday. That's a good thing. Hopefully there will be good karma and my aura will send off good vibes. That's what I hope. I hope that Ophelia feels it too and she can forgive me for hating retreats that brainwash people.

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