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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Early in the mornin'

April 18, 2002 - 1:33 AM

    I want to undergo hypnosis. I must have some deeply buried traumatic experience that is the root of all my problems. I was teasing my mom about it today. When I was little, she used to make this frightening alienesque voice and say things like, "I don't love you anymore. I threw away Foxy (my favorite stuffed animal)." I mean, c'mon. This probably accounts for some of my psychological problems, right? My mom was like, "Let's just forget it." Of course she would want to forget the fact that she messed me up. She also made me hate white milk because she always made me drink all the milk out of my cereal bowl. It was disgusting, and I've never fully forgiven her.

    At any rate, I did not see Alex today. (Technically yesterday.) I pondered our conversation in which I attempted to expand our relationship slightly, but was met with resistance. I partially blame this on my feigned spontaneity. People don't really want to be an afterthought or a spur of the moment thought. Of course, it was a protective tactic for me. It's better to suddenly come up with the idea than admit that you've been contemplating it for some time.

    Hold on. There's someone upstairs. Hopefully not that damned psychotic killer again. I hate that guy.

    ...and whoever it was is no longer making noise so I'm going to ignore them. Uh, anyway, I have that jazz concert to go to later tonight. Maybe Alex will have a change of heart and come with me. Stupid boy. Then again, if I really consider it, my romantic interest in him is dwindling. I like him, and I enjoy his friendship. He's just too nonresponsive.

    And here we come to the "What's wrong with me?" part. The truth is that I don't find most people attractive. I look around for potential dates and come up empty. I can't find nice looking guys with good personalities. (Shocking, huh?) I don't want to jump into a relationship with someone I don't really like just for the hell of it. I wouldn't even know where to start. It makes me feel both depressed and smart at the same time. My friends praise me for my clear thinking and high standards. Meanwhile, I want to feel some sense of love, even if it's just stupid college love that amounts to nothing in the end. I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't find someone. Everyone around me can. Yet I remain alone. I really really really don't know why. I'm moderately attractive, allegedly intelligent, and I don't have a prison record. What more is there?

    This is so not me:

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