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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Faking Positive Energy

February 06, 2002 - 11:51 AM

    My writing class has been canceled. I have an hour before Religion & Literature. So I am here: the campus computer lab. (Like my use of the word "campus" instead of "school"? It's because I'm being collegey.)

    Anyway, I'm going to think positively today. There's really no special reason. It's just a random, meaningless Wednesday. Or it's a special, meaningful Wednesday and I just don't know it. See that positiveness I just displayed? I saw the bright side. Kind of. I think--scratch that--I *know* I need to make some sort of change in my life. I'm just so stubborn. I'm also afraid of rejection and bad at figuring out what I want. I'm in my second semester of school here with not much to show for it socially. I know the people I went to high school with, the cast of the play I was in, and Alex. There are a few scattered aquaintances, but no close friends. I'm sad about my inability to form connections to people, but I can't figure out who it is I want to connect with. It's not like I look at someone and think "I want to be friends with *them*." I don't know who I want to be friends with. Nobody comes to mind.

    That's another funny thing about me. I can recognize people who are fun and sociable, but I can't see myself being friends with them. I just can't. I've held on to a lot of high school philosophies about who can be friends with who. I'm not cool. I'm average, unnoticeable, irrelevant. Everyone always says that you should let go of cliques and labels when you get to college. I can't unlabel me. This is what my mother calls a "self-fulfilling prophesy."

    Oh, and Claire called me last night. She is being kicked out of the house again. She asked me if I would drive her to school today, but I had my own class to go to. She makes me feel like I'm letting her down and maybe I am. She moved in with her abusive brother again. He hit her again. I said, "Claire, you have to stop going there." Logic isn't her strong suit. "Where would I go?" she replied with a slightly accusatory tone. I told her I didn't know, my own tone layered with guilt. If I was living by myself, I might let her stay with me. I live at home, so that's really not an option. She ended up getting in a yelling match with her family while she was on the phone with me. She was cut off abruptly. I expected her to call back, but she never did. Neither did I.

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