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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Heaven isn't too far away... maybe... if it even exists.

October 24, 2001 - 10:30 AM

    I'm in the mood to really hold a mirror to myself and wonder why I'm all about. For some reason, I can't admit to not knowing who I am. I suppose it's because I do know who I am. I just don't know what I want to be. There's flaws in everyone. In every lifestyle. In just about everything. I was reading this passage from Benjamin Franklin yesterday in which he came up with thirteen flaws and made it his goal to just eliminate them from his life. He thought it would allow him to never make a wrong choice. For such a smart guy, that's sort of a stupid concept. It's good to look at your flaws and try to fix them, but you can't expect perfection.

    I think about my future a lot. I try and figure out what it is I'd really like to do. I can't seem to think of anything that doesn't have major problems. For instance, I could live in suburbia with a husband and two kids. That would probably slowly drive me insane. I could be a single woman in New York City in a nice apartment. The trouble is I'd undoubtably get lonely and grow old all alone. I could join a convent or start a charity and really throw my life into serving man, but this makes me miserable just thinking about it. I'm really too selfish and ruined by society to spend my days with one outfit in India caring for diseased people. That's another thing. If I had a nice home or apartment and I made a lot of money, would that make me just awful? And let's say that the Bible is true. It would be easier to fit a camel through the eye of a needle for me to go to Heaven. So should I be poor? If I lived on the streets of Chicago in a box in an alley and asked strangers for spare change, would my life be ultimately better because I'd have such a great afterlife? What if there is no such thing as eternity? It's all much too confusing.

    I realized in the car this morning that I don't put a lot of emphasis on trust. If I did, I'd probably be hating Claire right now. She got out of rehab one week ago and promptly ran away from home. She called me Wednesday as I was leaving for school and I told her I'd have to call her back later. Within twenty-four hours she had left her house with some of her druggie friends and her parents haven't seen her since. In all of her letters to me she sounded so earnest about making the right choices. I told her that I had *faith* in her and she said that she knew I would. She seemed so glad that I did. But then she goes and runs away the second she has the chance. It's like she tossed all my faith out the window. And somehow that doesn't affect me much. I'm worried about her. I want her to come home. I truly don't feel angry. It wasn't until my mom pointed out that most people in my situation would feel angry that I even considered it. I haven't told anyone about her running away. Lisa was the only one I told about the rehab and health problems. I hinted to Leigh one night because I know she still uses drugs. She couldn't take the hint, especially not from me. She thinks I'm naive because I think drugs are dangerous. I think she's naive for thinking herself invincible. We go round and round. She left for the Air Force already, so I guess she'll be fine. I didn't call her or anything to say goodbye. I still feel bad that we parted on bad terms after that dance club fiasco.

    I have to go to Journalism class now. I hate that class. News reporting is so dull. I want to write opinions- specifically reviews. I would love to have Roger Ebert's job. But... is Roger going to Heaven? (If such a place exists.)

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