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current mood:
Lottery Misery
July 03, 2003 - 1:32 AM
Well, as it turns out, the Warped Tour was very fun. Lisa and I got along just fine. Life was good. Perhaps I'll get into it more later because I'm too depressed right now to ruminate on anything good.
I have $4.29 in my checking account. I feel a little sick to my stomach. I have a check for $20.00 sitting here from my birthday, $12.00 left over from seeing Legally Blonde 2 last night, and $32.00 in my Paypal account. Oh, and the dollar I found in the laundry room. I have $69.29 to my name. (Actually, when I add it all up, it's a hell of a lot less sad than $4.29.) Too bad I owe Discover $350. Not to mention my Express bill... God. Money is probably the greatest trigger for my depression. I've been thinking crazy suicidal thoughts these past few hours. I almost opened up one of the Amazon Honor System accounts to beg people for money, but it didn't feel right. (Maybe because I don't think anyone would give me money.) Anyway, I'm in a money slump.
The most awful part of all this is that I've been LOSING money. Today I lost all $11.00 that I had in my wallet when I walked into work. It's the goddam lottery. I love those scratch cards. Today I actually won $20.00, but I gambled it all away until I had nothing left. It was such an ugly feeling. It inspired me to write this:
I feel lost and miserable, and it's all rather silly really. I got carried away playing the lottery, and I lost my whole $11.00. This doesn't sound like much, but when you have less than $50 in your checking account, you make $6.00 an hour, and you owe Discover $350, even $11.00 can make you miserable. So now I feel like a child, and I childishly want someone to make it all better. I want a friend who says, "Don't be ridiculous. I'll give you eleven dollars. Don't be sad over something like this." I would love that person forever. Also, the book I'm reading is almost over. When it is, I will have about 3 hours with nothing to do. I want to cry right now, I really do. I know people have much worse problems than this. Someone might say, "I wish all I had to deal with was losing $11.00 and not having anything to do for a few hours." That person would be 100% right. But, sitting here, I feel truly miserable. Maybe my anti-depressant isn't working anymore. Maybe I'm realizing that I have a minor gambling problem. God, it's so bloody agonizing. I feel quite ill.
Oh, and the book I was reading took place in England, which obviously affected my writing style. (It's Bookends by Jane Green; I liked it.) This whole thing has caused me to become severely, insanely depressed. I was fine for a while when Buffy, Ophelia, Tess, and I watched Legally Blonde 2. I was happy on the drive home. I had this new plan, which involved saving money and getting a second job, and never buying another lottery ticket in my whole life. Somehow, after talking with my mother, it all fell apart, and I wanted to die again.
Edit: I'm horrible. I made this account. I swear I'll get rid of it as soon as I get my eleven dollars back:
Life - July 12, 2004 Plan Backfires - May 06, 2004 The Past Returns - March 11, 2004 More Trickery and Disappointment - February 04, 2004 Wednesday morning - January 21, 2004