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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Love is deaf.

January 18, 2002 - 10:34 PM

    Love is blind. And pretty stupid.

    I've unofficially resigned Alex to the "just friends" category in my brain. As you know, he could go back into the "more than friends" category pretty easily. I talked to him for about an hour today when both of us were between classes. I had gone to the bookstore to buy a notebook, and he just happened to walk in two minutes after me. Both of us ended up leaving the store empty handed. We sat on a bench and talked: a conversation which would make me doubt the possibility of a future relationship.

    He admits that he's self absorbed. He makes very selfish statements, admits that they're selfish, and wonders aloud why I stick around. I wonder that myself. I guess in my case it's not so much that love is blind, but it's certainly deaf. I hear the good things he says, completely ignoring the bad. I made a startling revelation today: I'm always wondering about what he's thinking at any given moment. I'm thinking about him. So is he. That's the problem.

    Other problems include his admission that he's attracted to goth girls. I am the farthest thing from goth that you will ever find. He also told me about the "most beautiful thing he'd ever seen." She's the guitarist for an Irish band called JJ72. I just looked up the band and got a picture of the girl:

    Hmm. Well, at least I'm Irish. That's a start, right? Plus I was telling him how hot guitars are. He agrees. We both love people who play guitars. I don't play a guitar; he's learning to play. I swear to God, if he starts a band, I will just die with love. No. No, I won't. Because he's just a friend. I'm not a goth girl. I'm not the guitar-playing girl of his dreams. He's self absorbed. This can't be good.

    In other news, I feel like an evil hypocrite. There's a boy at school named Stan who I went to high school with. He is extremely weird. Today, while Alex and I were on our bench, Stan walked by with a huge fur hat on. Alex and I looked at each other with amusement. Later on, I heard Sonia call my name. She was with Stan. I walked over to them and began talking to Sonia. She had to go to class, so I was left with Stan. So I ended up talking to him for about forty minutes. He told me how he really liked this girl, but she turned him down. Despite his nervous giggling I could tell that he was hurt. "I think it's funny," he said, "I mean, what business does someone like me have asking a girl like her out? I can't imagine what she was thinking." He laughed a very painful laugh. The horrible truth is that he was right. I told him it was cool anyway. He had guts: something that I'm truly lacking.

    I would never date Stan in a million years. I imagined for a minute what I would do if he asked me out. "You're a nice guy," I might say, "but I just don't see us working out." I feel bad about my hypothetical rejection of him. I felt even worse when, as Stan and I walked down the hall, I ran into a friend of mine who was in the play with me. "BRIGID!" she screamed with a huge grin, "I haven't seen you in *forever*!" After a few minutes, I realized that Stan was just standing there awkwardly. I introduced him to the girl, but they had already met. He decided to leave. When he was out of earshot, the girl asked me if I liked him. "Don't make me hurt you," I teased. She told me how he has a big crush on a friend of hers, who has absolutely no interest in him. I recognized the name of the girl as one he had mentioned as a really great friend of his. I felt slightly ill.

    I'm a hypocrite. I laugh at Stan with Alex. I laugh at Stan with the girl from my play. And I also have a forty minute conversation with him where I console him about his girl troubles. "You just have to find someone who appreciates you," I had told him with a hopeful little smile. He told me all the reasons that no girl would ever like him. For instance, his love of robots. He's very weird and he knows it. I mean, he was weaing a huge fur hat. Sometimes he wears a beret. Still, I felt pretty bad about the whole thing. I can be pretty phony sometimes, which is a terrible thing.

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