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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

I hate love... and other uplifting thoughts.

November 1st, 2000 - 11:55 PM

    I was thinking about you today and pondering whether or not you exist. By "you" I mean you the reader of this diary, of course. I can't blame you for being non-existant if that's the case. Maybe you're sitting there thinking indignantly, "I exist!" More likely than that, you're not. You're not thinking anything because you don't exist. Isn't that strange? To me, sitting here right now in this moment, you don't exist. You're not there. Then again, maybe you are. I'm going to get to my point now.

    The last time I wrote was... Friday? That sounds right. Well, I was complaining about the party that Sonia was having on Saturday. The truth is that I never went at all. I ended up doing homework the entire weekend, which sounds terribly loserish. (In my defense, I WAS sick from school both Thursday and Friday.) I really am a loser though. I'm a loser on so many levels that it's not even funny unless you're not me. Then maybe it's funny. I don't know. I'm really sort of depressed that I'm this dateless girl who doesn't even feel the need for a date except to make herself feel less pathetic and empty. It honestly don't feel like I *need* anyone. As Ally McBeal said this week, "I don't need a man. I want one."

    Anyway, yesterday was Halloween. (I know. Romantic, eh? It's great to jump from the topic of datelessness to candy-centered holidays.) I really wanted to somehow acknowledge Halloween, but that simply wasn't in the cards. I never wore a costume. I ate a very small amount of candy. Ta-dah. I realize that I am seventeen and too old for Halloween, but I still felt like I was supposed to do something. Most of my friends were working or sick. Plus, after play rehearsal I no longer felt like going out. Blah.

    Back to my pathetic existence, I was in Church today at school. I saw Scott across the room. It was almost like there was this angelic light around his face. He's so... right for me. Too bad I'll never be right for him. I don't know who I'm right for. Apparently it's no one. I'm destined to be alone forever. Anyway, I looked around and boys (even the jerks) look more innocent than girls. You can spot a witch from a mile away. The jerks are much more difficult to pick up on the visual radar. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it made sense to me in the moment. I think it's just that guys have a certain simplistic quality that can easily be confused with naivete that can then be misunderstood for innocence. Girls tend to scowl and cross their arms and wear eye liner that makes them look evil.

    I really want a boyfriend. I got my haircut tonight and the girl cutting my hair asked me if I had one. Of course, I don't. I never have. My love life rivals that of an inanimate object.

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