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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Minute by minute

October 12, 2003 - 12:59 PM

    I tried to update this morning, but the internet wasn't working. I decided to type something anyway.

    12:47 AM

    My internet is down, I�m exhausted, and I need to write something. I haven�t been very good at journaling lately. What�s that line? Only good girls keep diaries because the bad girls don�t have time? Trust me. Someone said something like that. It doesn�t really apply to me though. I�ll never be a �bad girl.� I have had a lot of late nights recently, rendering me incapable of writing anything in my diary. It started a couple weeks ago. We always have a preview show on the Thursday before Opening Night. After the preview, there�s a little party in the lobby. I was talking to my friend Cathleen and a girl I barely know named Lexi. I do happen to know Lexi�s ex-boyfriend Daniel. He was the stage manager for the show, and Lexi was an actress. I spent a lot of time with Daniel because we were both in the booth together. He crossed the room and pulled me aside.

    �Let�s go for a walk outside,� he said.

    Now, I really have no interest in Daniel, but I�m very accommodating. Cathleen told us later that as soon as we left, Lexi turned to her and said, �He�s reeling her in� He�s reeling her in.� Cathleen expressed confusion.

    �Well, don�t you think he likes her?� Lexi asked.

    This planted an idea in Cathleen�s mind. She suggested that Daniel and I pretend to date just for Lexi�s benefit. Cathleen started saying subtle, casual little things like, �Daniel and Brigid left together last night.� We didn�t overdo it, but it was sort of fun to have an evil plot to carry out. Lexi started telling Cathleen that she was worried about me. It was amusing, but it sort of died down. We were supposed to have a huge breakup, but we never got around to it.

    1:00 AM

    Tonight I went to see Lost In Translation with Buffy and Tess. They were both disappointed in it. I liked it, but I didn�t love it. It made me think about how I would be in Japan. I never really thought about it, but the culture there really goes against my nature. I don�t like lots of action and color and noise. I don�t want everyone to be strangely friendly, and I hate being the tallest one in an elevator. Meanwhile, I tried to be a better listener. This actually resulted in lots of silence, especially on the way home. Tess was falling asleep in the backseat, and Buffy had to drive in the rain. I felt strangely alive. I felt electrified and worn out at the same time. Without talking or music, I could hear every sound the car made. It sounded like something out of a movie. There was rain and strange whistles. I kept thinking that I was about to die. I had this strange sensation. This is how you feel before you die. Of course, maybe it was because I don�t trust Buffy�s driving on a sunny summer day, let alone a stormy night when we�re all sleepy. We didn�t die, and a part of me knew we wouldn�t. Still� I thought about it for a while.

    1:07 AM

    On Friday night, I was supposed to pick Tess up at the mall. Her bus from school came in at 8:20, but my car broke down at 2:15. I thought I would just stay home, but it didn�t work out that way. Ophelia picked me up, and it was decided that we�d all meet at Barnes and Noble before seeing Intolerable Cruelty. Buffy and Tess met us there, and so did Claire. I have talked to Claire a few times in the past few months. She is doing better than she was, I think. She lives alone in an apartment on the right side of town. That�s a start. Surely it must be better to live in an environment with less drug dealers around. Less temptation. So Claire, Tess, Buffy, Ophelia, and I went out on a Friday night. When was the last time the five of us went out together? God only knows. It was very good though. God, it was really good. My car was broken, and apparently Claire doesn�t have a car, so Tess took us both home. We went to see Claire�s new apartment and ended up staying for hours. The three of us have known each other for over fifteen years. We talked and laughed, and later Claire said, �I haven�t laughed like that in a long time.� I believed her.

    1:14 AM

    I don�t like to hike or walk or exercise or anything like that. When Daniel asked me if I wanted to go to Starved Rock, I said yes. I really didn�t think it through, to tell you the truth. I was feeling very agreeable, as I often do with Daniel. I forgot about climbing and getting dirty and all that. On Thursday I called in sick for work, and I went to Daniel�s house. Jeff and Nick were there too, so the four of us set out for a hike. What a ridiculous idea. Really. I don�t know if it�s because they�re guys or what, but they were into everything: What�s over here? What�s in that cave? What happens if we take this trail? Let�s climb that rock! I went along with it. I let that tiny little tomboy section of my brain take command. I was very dirty at the end. My jeans and t-shirt were covered in mud. It was worth it, I felt, just to have a story that didn�t involve me going to the movies with my girlfriends.

    1:21 AM

    I should sleep. I told parts of the story. That�s enough. I�ve written something. My sentences are short and choppy and lack finesse, but they exist. They didn�t exist an hour ago, and now they do. That�s something. I can live with that. I really can.

    Good night.

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