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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Unable to Step Outside the Box

March 02, 2002 - 11:47 PM

    I just got done babysitting for the second weekend in a row. Oh well. I had already spent most of the money I made last weekend: sixty-five dollars with nothing to show for it. Seriously. I mentally tried to account for said money, and realized I spent it all on food, movie tickets, and a fresh eight-hour tape in which to record the Grammys on. It was sort of a sad realization. I need to manage my funds better.

    I should have my driver's license revoked. Last night I drove my car into a ditch. Josie had called me that afternoon, and I'd made the mistake of accepting the call. She babbled for a while. Then later she called again and wanted to go out. We discussed in great detail which movie to see; there wasn't a single good movie out. We saw Forty Days and Forty Nights, ignoring all the warnings about an impending snow storm. When the film ended, the snow was already everywhere. I had to drive Carless Josie home. She lives in a rural farming town, so I took some back roads. Of course, this was incredibly stupid in a snow storm. I couldn't see a damn thing. I decided to switch destinations and get back to my house. I took a street with a curve, and soon found my car in a ditch. Luckily, no one was injured, including my car. However, the situation was less than ideal.

    Lisa called, which was great because I wanted to know if she wanted concert tickets for the Saves The Day/Green Day/Blink 182 show in June. I desperately want to go and need people to go with. She said she can't commit because she might be going to Colorado for the entire summer! Also, she might not come home over Spring Break either because some people might take a road trip to the East Coast to see Less Than Jake. Her break is the week *after* mine, so I can't go with her as she allegedly hoped. I couldn't help feeling a little irked that my best friend hates this town so much that she doesn't want to come back. At all. No Spring Break. No Summer Break. I mean, what is *that*? I mildly expressed my distress and was rewarded with an invitation to come to Colorado with her: an unforseen dilemma. On the one hand, I won't miss out on all the fabulous things that will inevitably happen. We can both get jobs and stay with her aunt. It's apparently a college town, which means, well, college kids. College boys. Fun, fun times without parental supervision. This could be an exciting opportunity for me to live a little.

    Then there's the other hand. I suffer from depression. Consequently, I have a little trouble being away from my safety net for long periods of time. Last spring when Lisa and I roomed together in England for a week, things were not exactly peachy. I have my hand written diary entries to prove it. They include a lot of obscenities directed at Lisa. Could I handle *months* of living with her? I'd have no one else to turn to in Colorado. I'd have to make new friends there, which is the point, but you know how badly I suck at that! I mean, I've known Alex for something like five months and nothing has really happened. All my friends are the same people I knew in grade school. I have no solid friendships with anyone at school. Also, how would I get all my medication? I *need* that medication. What about the internet? I'm an addict. I swear. No. I can't go to Colorado.

    These are the times when I want to kick myself. I know Lisa, and I know she'll come back from Colorado with great stories. Meanwhile, I'll be here with an irritating job and no best friend. And even though I have an unlimited internet connection, what will be the point? I won't have any good stories. Gah. This would be much easier if my life was more interesting. I don't know what my problem is, aside from the depression. I'm not gorgeous, but I'm not hideous. Sometimes I'm even moderately attractive! I'm not brilliant, but I'm not stupid. I really, truly should be able to find friends and dates. I feel like there's some secret that no one has ever bothered to tell me.

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