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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Application for new friends

June 24th, 2001 - 9:12 PM

    I hate the world.

    Yes. I feel bitter. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel very unloved by everyone. I really shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it. I hate the fact that my best friend has a life completely outside of me and that my life outside of her does not compare. That's not really fair of me to say, but it's the truth. I hate the fact that my (other) one time best friend can toss me out and replace me without so much as an explanation. I hate the fact that she doesn't care about our friendship at ALL and that I sometimes do. Not always, but times like right now. I'm sure she doesn't. I can absolutely tell you with certainty that she never thinks of me. And if she does, it's only to subtly dig further into old wounds.

    Bitch.

    God. And this always happens! There's a pattern though. There's a girl with slight individuality trouble. She becomes my friend. She thinks I'm fabulous. She clings to me and wants to be just like me. I get irritated, but at the same time am flattered. Then she kicks me when I least expect it. Our friendship is ruined without ever having a fight. There's no last words. It's just over. I'm left best friendless. I'm left wondering why I'm so damn easy to leave behind.

    Then I become bitter and world-hating.

    I want to make a whole crowd of new best friends. I want a boyfriend. I want a group of of gal pals like on Sex & The City. I can't wait to go to college, but I'm afraid I'll fail at being a social butterfly. This fear of failure was expressed very clearly last night when I dreamt that I was on The Real World. All my housemates were beautiful and looked older than me and barely acknowlged my presence. That's what I'm afraid college will be like.

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