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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Self Discovery Is Painful

October 22nd, 2000 - 10:17 PM

    This was an eventful weekend. Friday was Khara's birthday party. The most important thing about this party was what I learned about myself, if only for a short period of time. I learned that sometimes I'm much too much of an introvert. Even so, I allow people outside of myself to have an affect on my mood. In this case... Lisa. Surprised? Probably not. Her flirtation with every male at the party bugged me. It wasn't until later that I realized that her flirtation triggered a subconscious memory of her flirtation with Scott (my then-crush.) Anyway, I think another part of me- an even more secret and deeper part of me was jealous that I couldn't let go of myself and be flirtatious too. I hate admitting jealousy. I hate jealousy in general. It's my least favorite feeling and also what I consider to be the most silly.

    Anyway, another thing I realized was that I use my ugliness as a crutch- an excuse. I allow myself to believe that I have this fun personality and no one cares because I'm ugly. The truth is the very opposite. I'm not ugly. I'm just shy. Because of this, I give off an Ice Queen vibe. A guy at the party ended up saying "You can smile you know!" So I smiled for him and hugged him and we left. I think that this was perhaps the exact advice I needed to hear. I CAN smile. I don't have to assume that people won't like me.

    Saturday was dull. Moving on to today... I ended up in a famous Brigid PMS Mental Breakdown. Crying. Freaking out. And all in an IHOP during family brunch. Then I had five hours of play practice where I was accused of being anorexic (not in so many words) and had an experience. This "experience" was pretty funny actually. One of my male co-stars had the brilliant idea of throwing me over his shoulder and carrying me. It didn't turn out very well and we both ended up on the floor. *g*

    Now it's Sunday night. I'm instant messaging a couple friends. I'm defending George W. Bush against a bunch of Gore supporters. I'm completely avoiding my history quiz tomorrow. I am sick of typing.

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