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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

I'm nuts.

October 10, 2001 - 12:08 AM

    I think I may be nuts.

    First of all, we had a quiz on The Catcher In The Rye today. Afterwards, we had a mini-discussion on the book. Apparently everyone hates Holden Caufield and sees him as an awful, crazy, jerk. I don't see him as those things. Okay, maybe a bit crazy. He's going mad, after all. I never hated him for it though. I've always thought of him as very funny. Maybe it's better this way. I want to be a psychologist. It would be pretty bad if I thought all mental patients were horrible people. All I know is that I was the only one defending Holden.

    It seems I'm always part of the minority. I don't know why exactly. It's not even that I try to disagree with everybody. Sometimes I form an opinion and then find out that no one agrees. It can get kind of irritating to always be defending your point of view.

    Anyway, I'm getting a B in my Culture & Civilization class. It's the highest grade in the class. It seems so... wrong. I must be the dumbest smart person in the world because I never feel like I know what I'm talking about in that class. Other people have these enlightened responses and whatnot. I have nothing. Yet I'm still the best in the class. Ironic.

    I have a meeting with my ICE (Intro. to the College Experience) teacher tomorrow. I really like him. He's in his early twenties and he likes me. We both share a love for the movie Playing By Heart. I realized something about him; he makes me happy. It's true. I barely know him, but he brings something out in me. He makes me bouncy and perky. Certain people affect me in odd ways somehow. I almost feel like telling him. "You make me happy." Of course, I won't. That would be strange.

    Today (the 9th) was my Dad's birthday. It was also John Lennon's. I stayed up until 1 AM last night talking to my Dad. It was awful. He was crying. He told me how he loves me more than anyone and how I'm the best daughter he could ever ask for. He told me he wouldn't change a thing about me. The more nice things he said, the worse I felt. I don't know why exactly. I just sat there staring at him with tears dripping down my face. I didn't know what he needed to hear. I didn't know why his words made me cry. I guess part of me feels bad that I need to hear those words from someone who isn't a family member. I need a boyfriend who loves me and things I'm wonderful just the way I am. There comes a point where your Dad isn't enough to fill the gap in your heart. I'm sure a lot of people my age have already forgotten about their fathers, but mine is too close to forget. I don't want to forget him. I love him. His love just isn't the type of love I need so desperately right now. Maybe I'm selfish. Some people have parents who abuse them or have died or something to that effect. I don't really know how I feel.

    You see? I'm nuts. I really am.

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