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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Paging Dr. Freud

December 18, 2001 - 1:33 AM

    I strongly feel the need to write something down, but I have no idea what it is that I need to write. I just spent about an hour talking to Lisa. We talked about many things, but love was an important one. She thinks I should pursue Alex. She said she'd never heard me talk of any boy the way I talk of him. Maybe it's true. Even so, I still have a huge cloud of dread concerning my furture hopes for a relationship with him. I just turned on my IMs to see if he was on. He's not. I guess fate didn't want us to meet this evening.

    For some reason, I really want to see Ophelia. I sent her a Christmas card today. It was among the many that I sent, but I made a special point of sending her one. I have this image of her mother going through the mail and pulling it out, handing it to her, and asking about me. Are we still friends? Had we had a fight? Why haven't I called? I don't know how Ophelia would reply. Ophelia's always so quiet, but surely she isn't that way with her mother. I wonder if she'd say that we're still friends. I wonder if she'd believe it.

    I suppose all my thoughts about Ophelia and her mother come from a recent dream. In the dream, I invited Ophelia over to my house. I wanted her to come with me to hear Lisa's choir sing. (Note: In reality, Lisa is not in any choir.) Ophelia was more poised than I've ever seen her in real life. She seemed years older than me. She informed me that her mother had passed away several months ago. I told her that I knew and I was sorry. When she realized why I had invited her there- to see Lisa's choir- she left. Thinking back on it now, I wonder if I subconsciously feel like Lisa came between us.

    Not so long ago I had another dream about Ophelia. In it I receieved a letter from her. She told me that she had cancer, that she was dying, and that she needed me. I never actually saw her signature on the letter, but I knew instinctively who it was. I still feel a little haunted by it. Maybe it's my guilt. Is it possible that I destroyed our friendship on purpose? Why would I do that? And yet... I think I did.

    What's wrong with me? There's something wrong. I never have many friends. I always have a few close ones and I tend to drive them away. Then I feel nothing but remorse and sorrow that our friendship fell apart. Truthfully, the only friendship that I killed, buried, and successfully resurrected was my friendship with Lisa. And until tonight, I was starting to lose that too. I'm a mess. And maybe I'm too emotional right now.

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