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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

She's got... personality.

August 31, 2003 - 10:25 PM

    I can't believe that August is over. It seems like only yesterday that I was mourning the loss of July. I keep trying to remind myself how much I love Autumn. It really is my favorite season. The leaves fall, the weather's great, and I really do look best in Fall colors. Sure, there's the added stress of classes starting, but college isn't nearly as bad as high school.

    Speaking of school, I ran into Cynthia in the library on Friday. She's doing the sound for Jake's Women, so I mentioned that maybe I could do the lighting. She seemed overjoyed at the idea. I'm always suspicious when people make a big deal about me, especially when I feel that they are somehow better than me. Cynthia is a tall, thin redheaded girl who has her own apartment, is often the star of the play, and gets great grades. To top it off, she's funny and has a lot of personality. I never believe her when she expresses how great she thinks I am. Nevertheless, she must have actually been excited about me doing the lighting. Joanne came into The Quick Stop today while I was working, and I asked if Cynthia had mentioned it.

    "She called me Friday," Joanne confirmed.

    So I'm officially doing the lighting. Plus I felt a little boost that Cynthia cared so much that she called that day to tell Joanne. At least someone likes me. At the moment I'm not feeling very well-liked. That's probably not fair. After all, no one has actually come out and said, "I don't like you." They haven't even hinted at it. In fact, maybe I'm the one who's disliking them.

    Okay, yeah, that's definitely it.

    Every now and then, I stop liking my friends. The feeling usually passes quickly, but it can linger for days. It's just that sometimes people are so... full of shit, I guess. They say things or write things that don't seem reasonable to me, and suddenly I lose sight of everything good about them. Take Ophelia for example. She started writing in her livejournal again, and it made me like her less:

    "I have a lot of cool people that are nice to me. I wonder why sometimes. I mean...why me? Why do these people look at me and think "I want to be her friend". I don't really get it. What makes me different from your average Jane on the street?"

    I can't speak for everyone, but I didn't look at Ophelia and think, I must know her! I shall introduce myself and she shall be my friend! It was all coincidential. We were both on the tennis team, and she was terribly shy. You know how, even if you're a little afraid of roller coasters, you become more brave when someone is absolutely terrified of roller coasters? You overcome your own fear to help them with theirs. That's how I am with shyness. If someone seems extremely shy, my own shyness melts away. This was the case with Ophelia. She was there; I talked to her. That was it. I didn't know that I'd still be talking to her six years later, but here we are.

    I just had a horrible realization. I think my feelings toward people like Cynthia may be somewhat relevant to what Ophelia said. Could it be that I'm annoying too? Probably. No wonder no one likes me. Damn. Maybe Ophelia and I are actually similar in some way.

    By the way, I hung out with Ophelia on Friday night. I found myself being more casual with her than normal. Normally if I consider someone a frenemy, I put on my game face. I put more effort into hair and makeup than hanging out with a girl would normally warrant. I attempt to be charming and funny. In short, I don't let them see any vulnerability. The more I dislike you, the more perfect I want you to think I am. It's a weird way to live, but I like it. It adds a little bit of drama to my mundane situation.

    Anyway, Ophelia and I saw Jeepers Creepers 2. I arrived late, which I really did feel bad about. The movie was funny thanks to the people in the audience who screamed things out. "Get BACK on the bus!" Afterwards, we went to Barnes and Noble. I wasn't very funny, but I didn't notice how unfunny I was until I was driving home. By then it was too late.

    Saturday night I saw S.W.A.T. again with Buffy. I'm happy to report that Colin Farrell is still sexy as hell. We saw a really late showing, so that was all we did.

    Today I went to work and quietly despised all the customers. Business as usual. My fake laugh is really pathetic, but I keep using it anyway. At one point I actually said, "Ha ha." It was an accident: a sloppy attempt at laughter. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm such an idiot. I said I'd work on Labor Day from eleven to five. So so so stupid. Well, greedy. I wanted the extra money. Now I regret it. I'd rather sleep in and watch Passions. Oh well.

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