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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Emotional Ping Pong

March 5th, 2001 - 4:39 PM

    Yesterday I set the alarm for 5:00 so that I could wake up super early and do my History report. At 11:10 I finally rolled out of bed and had to go straight to musical rehearsal. Oops.

    After rehearsal, I resigned myself to do the report. I even felt pretty good. Out of the bell jar! Then nothing came. I have no idea about the American Revolution compared to the French Revolution. Most of my knowledge of the French Revolution comes from reading A Tale of Two Cities. I freaked out, crying all my problems out to my mom and confessing what an awful lying angry person I am. She even got me to admit that I'm angry with her. I cried and cried and cried. She told me to take today off to do my paper.

    So here I am. I spent the last hour at the library and now I'm trying to do this stupid report. God. I still can't even completely pull myself together.

    Earlier today, my dad had talked some sense to me. At first I was unwilling to listen. I just kept sobbing and wishing I was dead. Eventually, I realized that if I were dead that I'd never do all the things I want to do. I'd never write a book or be in a movie or anything interesting. I considered what it would be like to never hear a Beatles song again or never watch The Daily Show again or never hug anyone again. It's not worth it.

    I felt refreshed. Alive. I need to work on liking myself, I considered. I need to work on becoming someone worth liking. I know that I used to be at one point. I used to be fun and people liked to be around me. Sadly, I was depressed even then. So I guess I don't know what to do. I'm confused. Part of me would like to be fun and lively. Another part of me clings to cynicism and depression.

    Yesterday I saw a girl blowing bubbles out of a car window in a McDonalds drive thru. I liked that. I liked seeing someone being so carefree. I wanted to have some of that for myself. Sometimes I am. I think Claire brings that out in me from time to time.

    I'm sitting here in my orange t-shirt and jeans. My hair is kind of messy but I actually feel pretty. I think it's because I'm wearing barely any make-up. I normally need foundation and powder to mask my ugliness. I'm not wearing those things now and it feels like I'm somehow more attractive this way. I often find that people look beautiful when they aren't trying. People can look their best in their old t-shirts and pajama pants. They also look great drinking coffee and looking jumbled and smiling. That's what I love. People who can wake up and put on some shoes, pour themselves some coffee, and be ready. Be really splendidly beautiful.

    Just because I'm on the subject of physical appearance, I'll show you the senior pictures I received in the mail. This is me:

    A few days ago, some boys were talking about some girl and what a "beast" she was and how they would never date her. It made me sad because I thought that they would probably say the same thing about me. Nobody ever asks me to dances or for dates or anything. Probably because they find me so repulsive. I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not. It seems shallow. I don't want to be shallow, but I can't help wishing that I was pretty.

    I'm very happy and sad within this entry. It's like a ping pong game of emotions. I receieved an e-mail today from someone reading my diary. She seemed to think that I had an all right mix of happy and sad. I'm glad for that. I was also glad to hear from somebody. It always makes me feel happy.

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