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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

marriage of two minds

February 4th, 2001 - 1:31 PM

    Okay. Basically, the latest news is that I am officially assistant directing AND I am the secretary in the musical. Only today did it fully hit me that I've just made a major time commitment. Why did I do that? What was I thinking? Was I on drugs? Hypnotized? Possessed? It's mind boggling.

    Lisa got a lead role. She wasn't even sure if she should try out, but I insisted. After the call back, which I watched, I told her she had it in the bag. The next day, when the cast was announced, I was the one who told her the good news. I was so excited. So happy for her. So purely selflessly happy for her.

    Then I came down from idealistic utopia and realized that I'm not the world's most selfless person. In fact, I've secretly thought of myself as selfish from time to time. Then it was as if I'd been dancing for joy on train tracks and didn't notice the train was headed right for me. Splat. Then I thought quickly back to my performance in Barefoot In The Park. In the midst of my praise, Lisa said something to me that I chalked up as niceness or slight jealousy: "I want to be you." I want to be you. She wants to be me. And now here she is. Starring in the musical. The worst part is that I'm so afraid everyone's going to like her better than me as an actress. I'm feeling so inferior, inadequate, and unsure of myself. Rehearsals haven't even STARTED and I'm afraid that Lisa is going to rob me of all my individuality, creativity, and the very essence of me.

    This is why I'm an actress. I'm naturally dramatic. I jump to idiotic conclusions. I'm self-centered. God. What the hell has happened to me? I don't know. Truthfully, I really *was* happy for Lisa. I mentally shared her happiness. In fact, I was more happy for Lisa than Lisa was for Lisa. Part of me still is.

    I think part of the problem is that Lisa had been a flat out bitch all of Thursday and Friday at school. She'd made little digs at me. I felt like a schmuck. Here I am supporting her and being there for her. What do I get? A slap in the face every twenty minutes. Of course, she told me later tha she'd been doing this to everyone. That she was "irritable" and probably PMSing. Okay. If I were judged on my PMS behaviors, I'd be screwed. So I'm pretty okay with her right now. In fact, after Friday night, I feel really good.

    Friday night I went to my first high school basketball game since my freshman year. Lisa and I were sitting in the bleachers with the other seniors, all of whom were pretty "popular". I talked with some of them. Went to get pop with The Story Teller... chatted with Leading Lady for a while. (I just realized how Seinfeldian I am sometimes.) Anyway, sometime during the game Lisa told me that she felt like she just wasn't great at social situations. This is a revelation. A breakthrough. Lisa is always much more aptly social than me. Sometimes to the point where it bothers me... I see her as phony and fake at times. Anyway, Lisa tells me that she gets nervous that she doesn't fit in. Nervous that she doesn't *really* know anybody and stuff like that. Under normal circumstances, Lisa would never had admitted any of this to me. I'm sure of it. She hasn't in the 12 years that I've known her. So... yay for PMS.

    Last night she called me to go hang out, but I couldn't. I felt too sick. Ironically, my time of the month started yesterday. I know all these references are gross and it's usually not my style to tell you things like that, but it's all odd. Plus, I rented the movie Carrie last night. The subject came up again! Crazy.

    Today is Sunday and I have homework to do and a kitchen to clean. Plus I have to go to Church tonight and watch The X-Files, which is new. :) I still love that show to death. I'm also downloading tons and tons of songs from Napster because we got a cable connection and it's GREAT. Oh my Bob. I love it.

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