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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Inner Crisis

December 16th, 2000 - 7:07 PM

    Kill me. I give you permission. Ugh. I feel so sick. I'm going to pass out...

    Kairos. What can I say? We were all given notebooks to use as journals and take notes in. I used it to keep me sane by writing sarcastic comments. One was "This retreat can be likened to watching the Weather Channel for four days." That sums it up. I actually feel further away from God than ever. My mom's no help. She seems to want to argue with me. Maybe I'll "see the light" and just stay Catholic so she will stop bothering me. Ugh.

    What the retreat *did* do was show me that people aren't always black and white. Sure. A girl may be a ditz, but does that make her a bad person? No. No it doesn't. She wasn't graced with intellect. Who cares? The retreat was manufactured in the sense that it threw random people from different cliques together and forced us to look at ourselves and God. It had some good things going for it in that sense. I was able to get past some of my own opinions. Plus I enjoyed getting letters from friends and family about how much they loved me. Of course, some were just plain funny. Lisa's was hilarious. Anyway, about halfway through, I decided to get happy for the sake of Ophelia. She worked hard on the retreat and my negativity had to hurt. So I actually stopped complaining as much as humanly possible.

    Anyway, I don't feel like writing too many details out of pure laziness. I will say that we had group confession. I had thought that this was an awful idea. It turned out to be slightly better when viewed in reality. I apologized to a girl that had been my best friend in eighth grade. We'd had a huge fight and I'd held a nasty grudge all through my freshman year of high school. As seniors, it was kinda nice to exchange apologies for the sake of closure. We even hugged a few times after. There was a lot of hugging on this retreat. I stand firm that it was cultish. The cult's favorite phrases include "Be open to the experience" and "The best is yet to come." Riiight.

    Any positivity from sweet letters and hugs and apologies has since been washed away. Yup. It took about an hour after the retreat for me to screw everything up. We came into the school's Chapel where all our friends and families cheered. At the end, everyone said what they learned from the retreat and went to hug their families. I went last. I got up there and talked about how I learned that I shouldn't judge people. I added that I loved my family and friends and thanked everyone who wrote me letters. Then I sat back down. What's wrong with this picture? I DIDN'T GO TO HUG MY PARENTS. It wasn't a conscious thing. It was not anything I planned or wanted to do. But I felt awful. And my dad felt awful. And it was awful.

    So I am the world's worst daughter. Great. Soon after, my dad realized that I hadn't been malicious. I was nervous and stupid. I still felt really bad. Then today my mom got mad at me because I want to move out. I don't think that I'll be able to survive college here at home with all the interruptions and constant cleaning. (I won't start college until Fall 2001, mind you.) She got mad. She was angry that I've considered becoming a Protestant or a Jew or anything other than Catholic. I'm too honest. Everyone wants lies. The Catholic Church is flawless. I would never consider changing. I would never question anything. Let's all be lemmings!

    Also, I've found that my need for forgiveness from people I know on-line is dead. I was going to apologize for hating some people, but now I don't want to. Why am I so bitter? Why do I suck so bad? My parents hate me. My friends should hate me, but somehow don't. I hate me. I'm sick of this. I'm so so so sick of this. Kairos was supposed to make things better. I'm supposed to be different. Brainwashing must be ineffective on my brain. Damn strong will.

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