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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

rose colored glass

April 27, 2002 - 11:31 PM

    I am back!

    I never intentionally left. I was having computer troubles. Now my graphics are working again and I'm able to sign in to Diaryland. Life is decently good.

    Let's see. I only have one more week of classes. I should be typing out a bunch of papers. It's just so damn hard. I'm trying to write a paper in which I diagnose Ophelia's madness using Freud's theories. (Ophelia as in the character from Hamlet and Freud as in the sex-obsessed psychoanalyst.) I have been reading tons of Freudian writings, but have yet to find anything very useful. The play never says what Ophelia dreamed about.

    I can't think of much that's happened in the past few days. I bought pink sunglasses on a whim:

    I just took that picture. I'm not wearing make-up, and it's late at night. I have no doubt that I will later regret sharing it with the world.

    I wrote this Wednesday. It was originally going to be for my deep thought of the week, but I decided it was more of a personal diary thing:

    Love. Exciting and new.

    Love (of the romantic variety) is one of the most irritating subjects that a person can choose to talk about. I would probably not be discussing it right now if I hadn't stumbled upon a revelation earlier today. I go through little periods of being whiny/depressed/irritating because I don't have a boyfriend. My mantra is "IwantaboyfriendIwantaboyfriendIwantaboyfriend." What hit me in the face earlier today is that I'm not seeking love. Yes, I search for a boyfriend, but I don't search for *love*. I don't say, "I want love." I say, "I want a boyfriend." And there's a difference.

    For one thing, it's become quite clear to me that my motive is to attain normalcy. I tell myself that I *should* have a boyfriend. Why should I? I don't know. I just should. It would be the normal thing to do. I start feeling like some sort of leper, like I belong in a traveling carnival as The Permanently Single Girl. I am not an expert, but something tells me that this attitude is not healthy. Besides, since when have I cared about being normal? My very nature goes against conformity. After further analysis, I�ve recognized a deep insecurity I have when it comes to relationships. Everyone has had them but me. It makes me feel lesser somehow, hence my fears of becoming a sideshow. I want a relationship just so I can say I�ve had a relationship and not feel so freakish. I realize that this attitude is terribly unfair to my hypothetical boyfriend, but it�s the truth. Sure, it would be nice to be loved, but that�s only a perk. For now, all I want is the experience.

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