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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

facial tourettes & reincarnation

February 16th, 2001 - 5:04 pm

    I feel great. Super. Tremendous.

    Okay. I feel kinda mellow, tired, lazy...

    Yeah. That's about it. I DO feel better than I did during 4th period study hall. I wrote all about medication and how lifeless and empty I was inside. It was very cheerful. For a long while now I've written things down. Someday I'm going to write the Great American Novel. Maybe it'll be about the sexism, racism, and homophobia that exists in Catholic schools. Maybe it'll be a character study of people I know and myself. Maybe it'll be about depression. I'm not sure. All I know is that my personal theme is "Write what you know." So I do. I even take notes in short essay form.

    Today Lisa said I had my most ingenius idea ever. It's called Facial Tourettes. It's involuntarily smiling at bad news and things like that. Lisa does that. I'm not certain how involuntary it always is though. She's very impressed with the idea anyway. I wouldn't call it my MOST ingenius idea. I mean... that's sort of sad.

    I love The Beatles. They're just the best band of all time. ALL TIME. God! They're all geniuses, especially John Lennon. I like to think that I heard them back in the 1960s. I was alive then, you know. Maybe. I really love the concept of reincarnation. I consider myself an old soul. I think it explains things. For instance, why am I so jaded, cynical, and depressed? There's no real explanation. I'm an upper-middle class white girl attending a private school. I've never once asked myself "Am I going to have food tonight?" So why the hell am I depressed? What do I have to be depressed about? It's ridiculous. This is one of the reasons that I believe in reincarnation. I think that I've known great pain in the past that haunts me in this life.

    I'm not crazy! Seriously. I know I'm 17 and going through a "rebellious stage" or whatever, but reincarnation is so great. I guess Heaven could be great too. I like to think of Heaven as some sort of cloudy peaceful place. I imagine people reuniting with loved ones there. I see my Grandpa there waiting for my Grandma. I see people like my friend Lily's dad- free of pain and suffering. I'm not sure if I even believe in God or Jesus, but I like the imagery of the Shepherd and his flock. Maybe God is just a warm loving essence. Mabe He isn't real. I'm so undecided.

    Just to update you on current events, Valentine's Day sucked as usual. Also, The musical cast is obnoxious. Last night, I went to see the play "To Be Young, Gifted, and Black". Leigh went with me. I was uncertain how Leigh and I would interact without our other friends, but it was all right. I've mellowed so much since sophomore year, I've noticed. Maybe it's depression. I'm less perky by a long stretch.

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