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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

sheep brains and rejection fears

March 12, 2002 - 9:59 AM

    I'm so sleepy. I really must try harder to get to bed at a decent hour. I have Psychobiology class in an hour. We're going to dissect sheep brains. It was scheduled for Valentine's Day, but has been postponed until today. Oh goody. Just what I want to do. I hope to find a lab partner who really likes dissecting things. Such people do exist, but I'll never understand why.

    Claire came over last night. She called me and said she was really depressed. She wanted to go do something, but she only had $2. I was also pretty depressed, so I said I'd go. We ended up coming back to my house and eating my dad's pasta. I guess Claire hasn't seen my room in a while because she was absolutely enthralled with it. She wanted to see all my pictures and things. I suppose she likes remembering all the good times we had when we were younger. You know, like two years ago.

    I haven't seen Alex yet, but he's in my 12:30 class. I fear that he'll tell me Spring Break stories about hot girls he met. He told me about some girls he met over the Christmas break, but he didn't seem excited about them. He seemed to find them boring. I was sort of glad because it would be pretty irritating to listen to him as he talked about a girl who isn't me.

    This reminds me. I know I've said this before, but I got to thinking about it again: what's wrong with me? I would truly like to know how I came to be the way that I am. I figure that there must be a reason. For one thing, I can never get what I want when it comes to dating. I'm too hung up on rejection fears and shyness. I've always believed myself to be somehow unworthy of romantic love. I'm not interesting, pretty, popular, etc. No guys have really discredited this theory, although they haven't rejected me exactly. It's not like I ask them out and they say no. I don't ask them out, but they don't ask me out either. As far as I'm concerned, this is as good as rejection.

    The trouble is that I can't figure out what my problem is. Everyone else seems to find their match and then they date. Even Ophelia has a boyfriend now. She's a hundred times quieter than me. She's very average looking. She's of average intelligence. If she can get a boyfriend, what's stopping *me*? My friends say that I simply have standards, and this is mildly true. I don't want a nerd, unless he happens to be cute. (This is sort of a superficial statement, but I belive that one should be somewhat physically attracted to their significant other.) I want someone entertaining who likes the right music. Alex has these qualities, but I can't bring myself to ask him out. I don't think he'd say yes.

    Maybe my deep fear of rejection is the cause of all my dating problems. Where did I get this fear in the first place? I can't remember a specific turning point, but I assume it happened in grade school. Then again, maybe I'm kidding myself. Maybe it's just that I'm unattractive. I blame this on genetics and God loathing me.

    Why me? Why me? Why me?

    I don't know what to do with myself. If I were to read this as an objective person, I would advise me to take a risk and ask Alex out. I'd tell me to get rid of all my silly complexes. I'd say, "Stop whining and analyzing, and go out there and actually DO something!" Only I'm not an objective person. I'm very very subjective, and, from my vantage point, the world is bleak.


    You are the classic yellow squeeky toy.
    Find your inner rubber ducky.

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