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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Bad Vibes

October 4th, 2000 - 10:31 PM

    I have a really really bad feeling about my Call Back for the play tomorrow. I get this strong mental image of myself on Friday morning. I'm checking the cast list. My name isn't there. There's that panic and sadness and... Yes, I know it's hypothetical. I haven't not made it yet. I still have two days to be delusional and still have that hope of making it. I totally thought I'd be in it. I had high hopes. Now I know I won't. I can't back it up with any facts or reasons, but I just... know.

    I've been working on this stupid report for AP European History all week. I'm nervous because it's the first real research paper that I've done for this teacher. (The teacher just happens to be the principal, to make matters worse.) I'm looking at my paper and feeling like it's insufficient and stupid. My self esteem is just shattered today. Nothing special happened to make me feel this way. In fact, a couple people told me how cute I looked. (I was dressed up for Senior pictures.) ::sighs:: I'm a bundle of nerves. I feel doomed.

    Lisa made Call Backs too. She thinks she'll get cut. I keep telling her that even if she gets cut from the call back it doesn't mean she's not in the show. The funny thing about theater is that it's a competition just like a sport. You're all trying to win the race. I have a few friends competing for a part. I wish we could all be in it, but there are only two female leads. One of them I'm perfect for. Of course, someone else could be equally perfect or even more perfect. Gaaaah.

    Meanwhile, I'm listening to a Barenaked Ladies song on Napster. It's called "Baby Seat" and I randomly downloaded it. I also downloaded "Smells Like Teen Spirit" so I guess I'm in an odd mood. I wish I could travel back in time one year. Last year was my year to really shine and live and be happy. I want that back, but I can't seem to grasp it. I miss my little tennis team friends and how I convinced them all to love Janeane Garofalo. I miss my Holics. I miss being in the play. I miss psychology class. I guess I'll just have to work on the present and forget the past. It's easier said than done. The past is always there.

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