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current mood: The current mood of lostintranslation at www.imood.com

Slipping

March 13, 2003 - 10:24 PM

    I can't get the song All That Jazz out of my head. It just won't go away. Every now and then I get sad about the fact that I can't sing. This is one of those times because my school is supposedly going to do Chicago. I would just love to be in it. Unfortunately, I can not sing. Also, I haven't danced since I was thirteen. It makes it so difficult to be in a musical.

    I took a Cultural Diversity test today, and it was so exciting because I actually studied. I read three out of five chapters last night. I usually find it very difficult to buckle down and study. I tend to "wing it" and see what happens. Sometimes this works out beautifully, and other times... I get a D on my Statistics mid-term.

    Yesterday I was incredibly depressed, but today I feel better. It's so bizarre really. Depression, that is. Two years ago, I was just desperately, hopelessly depressed. When I read things like that, I think, I was such a crazy person. I still am in some respects. I still have days where I don't feel like I can do anything or go anywhere. Once I get home from class, I feel too lethargic to do much of anything. Then, on weekends, I'll go out and be full of energy.

    I guess the real issue here is that my depression is chemical. I take (prescription) drugs, and they have made me so much better. I don't cry uncontrollably or wish I was dead like I used to. I've matured past a lot of that. I remember a time when I was lying on the kitchen floor, staring up at the medicine cabinet, unable to actually take any pills. I kept repeating the mantra, "I want to die." I must have been there an hour. I don't want to be that girl again. She was so very sad and confused. I can feel myself slipping again, and it scares the hell out of me. I want to take my pills, see my psychiatrist once a month, and go on living like I have been for over a year now. Even now, I'd like to cry. My head hurts, and all I want to do is go cry. For what reason? I don't know.

    I wish I knew. God, I really do.

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